I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
