My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
