could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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