I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
