guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
