Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
