I wish my penis had an off switch
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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