Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.