I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder