and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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