woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
