Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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