dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
