dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
