I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
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seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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