I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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