she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You took a bar mat shot.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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