why didn't you poke me back
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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