We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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