Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
