so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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