Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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