It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
