I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
