im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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