I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
