He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I deserve this hangover.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize