I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
