Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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