True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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