I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
