Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
