Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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