I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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