She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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