finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
