Do you still have your period?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
