That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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