Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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