When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
