when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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