you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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