Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
