i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
