the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
