My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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