i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
