i permit you to call me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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