I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
