my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
