How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
