Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
