I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wish I only lived at night.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
