his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
