i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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