her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
