I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
