Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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