She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
