if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
