How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
