I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
