I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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