well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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