ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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