I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
