yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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