I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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