honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
