I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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