We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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