The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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