Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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